When Nothing Seems to Work
When Elan’s grandparents first contacted me, they were desperate for help. Elan was a 14-year-old boy who had already been expelled from five schools due to behavior issues. His grandparents had been raising him since he was five years old, and while they were incredibly loving and patient, they didn’t know how to help him. Elan had ADHD and a history of trauma that made school life difficult for him. He hated school with a passion.
At the time I got involved, Elan was attending a private learning center that was supposed to be better suited to his needs. Unfortunately, even there, his teachers were on the verge of giving up. Elan’s difficulty with focusing, his constant restlessness, and his refusal to engage in learning activities left everyone frustrated. His teachers had tried many different approaches, but nothing seemed to stick. Elan argued all the time, avoided tasks that required effort, and the center was considering asking him to leave. His grandparents were heartbroken and unsure of what to do next. That’s when they hired me.
A Big Goal with Big Challenges
Elan’s grandparents really wanted one thing for him: for him to feel successful in his education and life. They weren’t looking for perfect grades or behavior, but they wanted him to find something that he could be proud of. They were worried that repeated school failures were damaging his self-esteem, making it even harder for him to engage. They hoped that with the right guidance, Elan could turn things around, but they had no idea how to make that happen.
Fast Forward: A Remarkable Transformation
Fast forward about a month, Elan’s story made a turn for the better. After working together, Elan became much more engaged in his learning. His teachers saw a significant reduction in his argumentative behavior, and he started taking initiative in class. More importantly, Elan experienced something that he had never experienced before: a sense of pride in his work. By the end of our time together, he completed a full project on a topic of his choice and presented it to a room full of teachers. The beaming smile on his face as he shared his knowledge was a moment I’ll never forget. Elan not only learned to manage his emotions better, but he also started believing in his ability to succeed, something he hadn’t felt in a long time.
The Deeper Shift: Building Confidence and Self-Belief
Elan’s journey wasn’t just about improving his behavior at the learning center—it was about changing how he saw himself. Before we started, Elan didn’t believe he could succeed. He saw school as a place where he would only fail, which made it even harder for him to try. But as we made changes in his program, he discovered that he could learn and complete a task successfully. This shift in mindset was huge for Elan. It wasn’t just that he got through a school assignment; he started to believe in his own potential. His self-esteem improved, and while things were far from perfect, the change was evident in the way he interacted with his teachers and family.
How We Got There: A New Approach
The first step in working with Elan was understanding the environment that was contributing to his dysregulation. His teachers were frustrated because they didn’t know how to support his specific needs, and Elan, in turn, reacted with resistance. I knew we had to address several things to move forward:
- Helping the staff understand the root of Elan’s behavior
- Identify ways to support better regulation
- Center the learning process around Elan’s interests to maximize his motivation and engagement while minimizing his challenges.
Helping the Staff Understand the Root of Elan’s Behavior:
Elan’s dysregulation was often misunderstood as defiance or not caring. However, his reactions were rooted in sensory overload and anxiety, which are common among neurodivergent children as well as children with a history of trauma. I worked with the staff to help them recognize these triggers and view his behavior not as a problem to be fixed, but as a form of communication. Once they saw his actions through this new lens, it became easier for them to anticipate his needs and create a more supportive environment.
Identifying Ways to Support Better Regulation:
To help Elan feel more in control of his emotions and reduce meltdowns, we introduced sensory breaks, movement activities, and a predictable routine tailored to his needs. We also helped him build self-awareness by identifying the situations that triggered him. I guided the staff in adjusting the classroom environment to minimize sensory triggers, such as lowering noise levels and offering flexible seating options. We also explained to Elan why schoolwork felt so challenging, helping him understand how his brain worked and how dysregulation affected his focus and behavior. These changes allowed Elan to self-regulate more effectively, and in turn, his ability to participate in class improved significantly. He also began to feel better about himself, realizing that his dysregulation wasn’t something he was doing on purpose but a reflection of how his nervous system reacted. As he understood this, he became more hopeful, invested, and willing to try new strategies.
Centering the Learning Process Around Elan’s Interests:
One of the biggest shifts was designing learning activities around Elan’s passions, which included hands-on projects and topics that sparked his curiosity. I learned that Elan was passionate about snakes, so we centered his program around this interest. For four weeks, everything he did at the center was related to his snake project. Elan and his teachers visited the zoo and pet stores, where he took pictures and asked questions. He researched information, watched videos and documentaries, practiced taking notes, and organized his findings into a presentation. The pride on his face when he presented his work to a room full of teachers was unforgettable. By tapping into what motivated him, we saw a noticeable difference in his engagement. Elan became more enthusiastic about learning, and as his confidence grew, so did his ability to work through challenges. This approach reduced the need for constant redirection and helped him stay focused for longer periods.
A Lasting Change
The changes didn’t stop with the snake project. Once the staff saw what Elan was capable of when properly supported, they continued to adapt their approach to meet his needs. They stopped viewing Elan as a “problem student” and started seeing him as a learner who needed a different type of environment. And as Elan started to believe in himself, the arguments and resistance decreased. Things were far from being perfect, but he was making progress - progress that no one thought was possible when we first met.
There were four key factors in this case:
- Understanding what was contributing to Elan’s dysregulation.
- Identifying strategies to help him stay better regulated (and including him in the process).
- Empowering Elan with insights he could understand and apply.
- Guiding his staff to shift some of their strategies to better meet Elan’s learning needs.
Conclusion: It Was Never Elan Who Was the Problem
What Elan’s story shows is that the issue wasn’t Elan - it was the environment that wasn’t meeting his needs. Once everyone involved understood the root cause, they adjusted their approach, and the changes were profound. Elan went from being expelled from multiple schools and giving up on learning to a young man who could engage, focus, and take pride in his work. The key was tapping into his interests and giving him the tools to regulate his emotions. By shifting our approach, we empowered Elan to succeed.
I’m well aware that not every child has access to the same resources Elan did. However, working with Elan and his staff confirmed the importance of using a neuro-affirming approach with neurodivergent children. While each family I work with has unique needs, I often find myself applying a variation of the same principles that worked for Elan.
